Talking about death with kids
In the backs of our minds, we know it’s inevitable. The topic of death will come up in conversation with our kids and it will likely happen more than once. It doesn’t actually matter when the conversation arises, because it’s always too soon. And these conversations don’t typically take place until they have to, making them that much harder. Just in the last week or so, our community has lost 3 children (ages 4, 15, and 18). And those are only the ones that I know about.
It’s the four year old that has triggered so many conversations around here (not in our house, just around town), simply because he was four. It blows our minds, as adults, so how can children even begin to understand and process? This precious little boy was in our neighbor’s preschool class and the conversation that it’s sparked between our little friend and her mom has been weighing on my heart.
Kids ask a lot of questions, and they aren’t always easy questions. Do you know any or some of the answers? I’m a firm believer that we don’t have to know all of the answers and that it’s okay to admit to not knowing. Such freedom in acknowledging that we’re human, you know? But as parents, we do need to be ready to talk about the tough stuff.
So, how do we do it? I don’t have an answer for this one. I only have one child who can form multiple sentences and have an intelligible conversation and we’ve not yet experienced death in her short little lifetime. It doesn’t mean that I haven’t been thinking about it, though.
I’ve looked around for some good books on teaching children about death and I’ve learned that there aren’t very many good ones, unfortunately. So many of the books are painfully theologically inaccurate and I’m not willing to go that road. You don’t become an angel, looking down and watching over on all of your loved ones when you die. It doesn’t work that way. That’s just one of several incorrect ideas in the books I’ve found.
My solution is to rely solely on scripture, and I think it’s a pretty great solution. Sure, it would be nice to have something age appropriate to share when necessary, but the Bible gives me such clear answers (on certain things) and awfully good insight on heaven, how you get there, and all that jazz. Maybe “all that jazz” isn’t appropriate there… Yes? No? Okay.
Anyway… Here’s the truth from my heart, though. I’m not emotionally ready for that. I love the peaceful and innocent world that my kids still live in. I don’t anticipate those questions to be simple. Kids are better than grown ups at follow up questions, I’m certain, and I lack the confidence to speak honestly and boldly to my kids about certain things. I still have a lot of praying to do before that time comes. And in my prayers, I ask God to be gracious and give me just a little more time. Amen?
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I tend to be someone that brings up these hard things sometimes with my boys. I have always been matter of fact about things (like walking through the bookstore with my 6-month old in a sling explaining genre) and feel like hitting them square on is the right way. In the same way I learned to do with teenagers doing youth ministry, I’m very up front about the fact that I don’t always (or often) know the answers. I’m willing to discuss, not come down as some kind of dictator expert. But I have a strong perspective that starts in Scripture. So we have talked about death, but have not experienced it in a way where it’s real for Sawyer…yet. I know that day will come, and we’ve already had some conversations that will hopefully build a foundation there. So, I guess in short, I handle these things head-on.
I like the head-on approach. I, too, was teaching my infant kids about manners/cooking/reading/pumping gas when they were itty bitty. We are such avid readers that I want to find a good kids’ book to go along with our conversations! I don’t mind doing it, I’m just not sure HOW!